I was in one of my IFS sessions and the practitioner and I were closing our the session and she said: “oh you’re getting married – well that’s a real rite of passage.”

It was the only time anyone said that to me so directly

A rite of passage. An initiation

And up until then I’ve what were different initiations – we all go through many in our lives as we grow up

most recently there were the ones I went through to become a coach, to teach and guide others on their spiritual journeys, to become a lawyer and then to stop being a lawyer

But this one I just went though on my wedding was unique and special and unexpected and now I wanted to share the experience for you

As humans it’s a gift to be awake to these big portals that shift us and change us, and to honour them

This is my way to honour this one

I had such an intense energetic experience that eventually landed me into a whole new chapter of womanhood, of partnership, and leadership

The initiation was about releasing a lot of the past so that I could step into a new chapter of life

In the photo progression you can see the energy shift. I love this photo because I can see the little girl me in my face still.

I woke up the morning of my wedding and couldn’t sleep

It was 3am. Then 4am. And then by at least 5am the sun starting to rise and so I decided that I could too

I had energy rushing through my energy body so decided to roll out my mat on the little balcony off our room

I looked out onto the lake and saw the clear sky and knew it was going to be a beautiful day

My whole being swelled up in gratitude

“It’s going to be a beautiful day.”

I started my yoga practice. A class I had streamed before. A playlist I knew

I moved with the energy – until the energy moved me

I started to tear up on my mat, unsure of what I was feeling so teary about

So I sat there. Sat with it

I looked back to the bedroom and saw Chris asleep and felt true love in my heart. I love this person so much. What a gift to have found each other

More tears. More happy tears. So then I wanted to write. I wanted to write notes of gratitude, and so I began…

I started to write and began with my Dad

Back when I was leading retreat last February, a woman was sharing about her relationship with her father in a way that I really resonated with

She vowed that while on retreat she was going to reach out to him to share his impact

On the retreat, I thought it would be special to share some words with my Dad, who’s been such a special person in my life, before I walked down the aisle

So I started to write that morning

And as I put my pen to my page the morning of my wedding, I couldn’t. I just started to cry and cry and cry

So instead I just sat there, letting myself feel this deep gratitude instead and then the same thing would happen

I thought I wanted to write a note of gratitude for each of my bridesmaids, but then each time I’d think of each person I would just feel my whole heart swell up with love instead and I would tear up a little and not be able to write

This continued. And continued. And continued

One by one a person would come to my minds awareness that was special in my life and I was feel my whole heart expand with love and gratitude, and soak that in

It felt beautiful. Intense. Cathartic.

So that was the early morning of the wedding

One by one, acknowledging, feeling and breathing in the love, of so many people who had touched my heart and supported me up until that moment in time

It felt like waves – breathing in love and receiving it from all these people that had supported me until that moment and then breaaaaathing it back out to them

My heart swelled and opened even more

Inhale love. Exhale love

It was a really beautiful ritual I was guided to do as each soul popped up in my awareness

Spirit was guiding me to process, witness and BE in that moment, before a new initiation would begin to a new chapter

An even more open heart. A new capacity for love

The initiation continued.

Only a short time later it was time for me to meet some of my girlfriends to start getting ready for the day

With a not so casual 13 people to get through hair and make-up, we were starting early

Because of that, it meant that girls trickled in as the day unfolded, instead of all at once

This gave me a little bit of time with different people throughout the day

But I was sensitive

I had barely slept, knew that there was a massive energetic upgrading happening, and had just been taken on this intense yet beautiful ritual of acknowledging everyone in my life in the wee hours before that

Usually I’m the one in the bridal suite who wants to blast music, get the mimosas flowing, and get excited

But that wasn’t me on the day of my own wedding

I wanted to stay present but I could tell I was feeling a LOT

Halfway through the morning some of us went and pulled oracle cards and I gave bridal blessing messages to them

It’s said that the bride on her wedding day is closely connected to the divine, so I offered up whatever messages flowed through for whoever wanted them

When it was time for my card, I pulled the Queen card! It was all about coming into a new level of womanhood, sovereignty, leadership and power, and how finding our counterpoint or partners on that journey is important for us to fully rise into our Queen

The perfect message for that day. The perfect message describing the initiation

I was feeling good. Grounded. Excited

I was feeling though like it was more important for me to be present than anything. I didn’t want anything that would take me out of that presence. I didn’t want loud music. I didn’t want any mimosas. I just wanted to be.

The sun was shining and it was the most beautiful day. I was just trying to stay present to soak it all in

I assumed that my tears from before had already released what was needed, but had no idea what was to come…

Whenever I’m going through a bit energetic or spiritual awakening, I feel sensitive

It feels like my whole body is bruised or tender

I also will often feel a burning sensation in my heart, and sometimes I shiver a lot

I also get these sensations when I’m just overwhelmed

It’s my body’s way to release energy that’s been bottled

Either way, when it happens I know to pay attention and over the years have learned to nurture myself and be gentle when that happens

Midway through the day there’s a lot of people in the bridal suite

People coming to drop by.

People showing up for hair and make up.

A lot of energy

A lot of people

I can feel myself feeling more and more sensitive

Finally it’s time for me to sit down in the chair to get my hair and make up done and just as I start to do that I start to cry

At first I think I’m crying because I thought of how Chris’s best friend passed and how it’s sad he won’t be at the wedding as his best man, and how I never got to meet him

Then I start to shiver while crying

My friend Ayah pulls me outside to the deck by myself

She’s a holistic healer and embodiment practitioner, and so she does reiki and sticks crystals in my hands and has me breathe

My fabulous make up artist ushers everyone to leave the bridal suite

I stay with Ayah. And I keep breathing and shivering. Crying

Not feeling sad and sure why I’m crying so much

But I can’t stop crying

I send a text to Cath, who was already officiating my wedding and planning on coming to help me get into my dress with my mom

“Need you over here.”

She arrives at the perfect time

I co-lead the Journey to the Heart retreat with Cath and our soul sisterhood and bond is so deep

There’s literally not any other person I can imagine being beside me in that moment

And without having to say anything she arrived and just sits right beside me and starts to tune in, just as she always does with those orbit her world

And gets me to start to breathe really deeply into the back of my heart

Then she guides me through this most insane energetic shift – so that I could finally arrive grounded, ready, initiated and present when I walked down the aisle

Cath is beside me and Zoe’s out front practicing her speech for later and my moms getting her make-up done

We put on our retreat playlist as mantras fill the room, I have crystals in my hands and on my lap, and the space has transformed

But I still can’t stop crying

I’m also not a big cryer – so I’m going with it but also…

I need to get my make-up done in time for the ceremony!

In between strokes of make up brushes that happened between sets of tears, Cath keeps guiding me

She’s doing hands on healing to my back and I feel this big rush of energy on my body

She has me keep releasing and letting it go

I would only later know what, exactly, I was releasing

In the moment, I just stayed present and focused on the physical and energetic release

Eventually I feel it lift and the tears start to stop

If you’ve had an experience like this energetically or spiritually you know – sometimes you can just feel the instant something unlocks and shifts

But then I start shivering again

Cath says “okay now it’s time for us to ground back in. That’s lifted. Come back into your body.”

She’s having me picture myself with my feet in the ground

I keep picturing myself in nosara – in the yoga Shala surrounded by the jungle

“Feet on the earth. Feet on the earth.”

I still can feel that I’m not in my body

I do this when I’m overwhelmed – I disassociate. Ever since I was a kid. But through somatic work I’ve learned to embody

And then she says exactly what I needed to hear as she rubs my back

“It’s safe for you to be in your body. It’s safe to be right here. It’s so, so safe for you to be in your body. It’s so sooo safe.”

Then, like a light switch, I feel myself come back into my body

And I arrive

All of the sudden it’s like I’ve been plugged into a new body. A new energy. The initiation complete

It was remarkable

It was intense. Beautiful. Healing, shifting. And very, very unexpected

My makeup gets finished, my dress comes on, and finally – I’m ready for a whole new chapter in my life to begin

Story on the wedding to come ❤️